Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Eighteen months together and I could still stay up until the wee hours of the morning just thinking about Patrick’s smiles and silly jokes.
I still remember how his lips pressed on to mine for the first very time. I thought he had the softest lips and it felt good. I couldn’t believe that it took me 26 years to find the man I know my father would approve of. I spent the first few months of our relationship in awe of him.
I was such in awe of him that there was one night when I cried in his arms because I felt unworthy. That night, I wished I had been more patient. I wished I gave myself more respect. I wished I believed that I deserved better because I did.
“I wish I waited for you,” were all the words I said to him. He hugged me tightly as if he would never let go. Without so much as an explanation, I knew he understood what I meant. If my tears were an apology for my unworthiness, his warm hug was his forgiveness.
“I do not judge you,” I remember him saying. It made me cry a whole lot more because I thought he was perfect and I was a big mess.
I am having flashbacks of that night with Pat because I’m worried for one of my dearest friend. I think she’s in the position where I used to be.
I know the excitement of falling in love for the first time. I know how a fingertip could cause a ripple of electricity through the whole body leaving you weak but smiling. I know how delicious it feels to read simple messages of “good mornings” and “good nights.”
But love has to be right or else it won’t be love. It could be emotions simulating symptoms of love but it’s not love.
Love, first and foremost, should be kind to you. If you say that the one you love is your friend, all the more it should protect you. Friends don’t hurt friends.
Love your neighbors as you love yourself. This is a double whammy. First, never take your momentary happiness at the expense of other people. It’s not worth it. It will never be worth it because karma’s slap is a bitch.
Second, love yourself first. I discovered that I loved myself more than the jerk I’ve been dating. Unfortunately, my discovery came a little too late. I got rid of him but my self-respect was in tatters. It was not easy. I was devastated when he was gone. I cried too many times and I thought the unbelievable pain was never-ending.
I mean can you imagine? For the past six years he had been part of my life. It’s like being a chain smoker deciding to quit through cold turkey. The withdrawal was ugly.
Losing him was not even the worst part. I had to live with myself when he was gone. Realizing what I did made me feel dirty. No amount of scrubbing with loofah and Safeguard could remedy that.
Men are not the only option. Yeah, I would admit that I was thinking of going out with other men when he was gone. Believe it or not, there had been offers, some more lascivious than others. But it was not the men who pulled me through.
It was my friends. They were the ones who took me out on dates when I was feeling depressed. They bought me bouquet of flowers and burned copies of love songs. They wrote me letters of love. Texted me “I love yous” when I needed to hear it. They fixed my hair and applied my lipstick whenever I would go out with my crush.
Everyone was just one phone call away. I remember how I would call all of them up in the middle of the night just so they could listen to my sobs.
“There, there,” in sleepy voices they would say.
I remember how they rallied behind me, plotting vengeance on my behalf. I remember how they would threaten to bash my head to a wall if I fall into a relapse and suddenly feel the urge to be stoopid again. It was a weird phase of my life.
I lost one love but my friends replaced it with so much more.
****That is the reason why I will never have respect for insecure bastards who don’t have the balls to make a decision.
I will also have no respect for jerks that make a conscious decision to make any of my friends as their “meantime girls” on the side while they’re trying to fix the relationship with their “forever girls.” Even when my friends say they know what they’re doing.
I wish there were more patience to go around with.
Patrick came to my life unexpectedly. He came to me when I made my standards with men higher. He came to me when I made a promise to myself that I will never settle for mediocre relationships ever again.
Labels: lurve layf
3 Comments:
I lab you, ruth.
:*
hay ruth! you made me realize na ang lungkot pala ng buhay ko!!! ahahahaha, still single after 26 years of life... NBSB ako eh, ahahahaha =)
Hope to see you soon =)
Naku, okay lang yan kesa mag settle ka, Caloy. Muaah!!!
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