Monday, November 14, 2005
Is there any other way to love but to love too much?
If there is, then I sincerely think that there’s no point to it. This is one reason why I think it’s okay to be hurt, battered and be depressed if one relationship fails. It meant I’ve loved too much.
It’s just the way I want it to be. Because I’m the romantic fool, overly fed with Harlequin literature, who believes in giving everything I’ve got.
***I recently ended a relationship, which I thought was a mockery of what I believe in. You see, I’ve been played and made a fool but I woke up the next morning feeling okay and fine with it.
And I thought that there was something wrong with that. I wasn’t angry with him (it could be because I sort of expected that kind of betrayal from him). I wasn’t jealous of the girl whom he’s now with (Boy, I know I could really, really get jealous). Emotionally, in fact, I didn’t feel anything.
Physically, I felt cold all over. I switched off the aircon and covered myself in a thick flannel blanket but the coldness wouldn’t go away. I swear this is true.
I couldn’t stand the indifference so I knew that I’ve had enough. I thought that it’s about time I give myself the respect that I deserve. I decided to break up, if there was anything in the first place to break.
When I told him about my decision, he immediately agreed. I even imagined him breathing a sigh of relief. I mean, who in their right mind wouldn’t?
He got rid of me without the melodrama he knew I’m capable of. No mess. I handed him a clean getaway.
But I didn’t care about that. I didn’t give a f**k who won in the relationship. I just wanted out. It just got to the point where I could no longer stand all the lies. Sadly, there were plenty of them exchanged both on his part and mine.
I won’t say that it was easy because it wasn’t. He was my habit, an addiction, even before we decided to make things more complicated. The withdrawal was sheer hell. There were too many times when I was tempted to retract my decision. Too many times I wanted to tell him that yes he could use me as long as he wants to.
I guess my willpower and self-respect won out… at least for the past six days. But every day gets a little easier, every day my head gets clearer. Very recently, I decided to kill even our friendship. Well, because I don’t want to be friends with the one person whom I tagged as the “biggest mistake of my life.”
***After all that I’ve said about this Mystery Guy in my life, I don’t want to put all the blame on his doorstep. I had a share of this mess myself. Of course, how can I not? I’m the other half of the relationship.
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