Tuesday, November 08, 2005
…and she waited and waited through the night for the pain that never came.
A pity, she thought, because this time she has prepared well for it.
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She stocked up on her tissue supply.
She replenished her cell phone load just in case she demands unreasonable amount of “I love yous” from her friends just like she did before.
The comfort music cd that one of her friends gave her from her first heartbreak was on her table, ready to be played again.
All literature that promised to make her feel better was close by her bedside, too.
Satisfied and content, she thought that it was one of the most well organized welcome party she has prepared so far in life. She got inside the covers of her bed and began her vigil.
The Drama Queen in her lives for these moments, she thought. Grief is something she respects and relish so well. It has a way of making her feel that she is suffering because there was also so much happiness.
But the night slowly progressed and nothing came. Not even a tiny twinge in her heart. Oh there were many times when she felt its threat. But even that was too weak to be sustained.
“What’s wrong? Where are you?” she asked. “Don’t sneak up on me when I don’t have a tissue.” To help speed things up, she replayed some memories that she thought might trigger something inside her.
There was still nothing. She did not even feel numb or empty. The more she thought about it the more she felt cold and unfeeling.
There was even a time during the night when she got so bored with waiting that she closed her eyes to rest it for a while. She knew that it was just a short nap but she had a peaceful dream. She even remembers it had some sweet oranges in it.
When she woke up, she continued asking herself. What could be wrong with her? Where was all that love that she thought she possessed for him? Why is it not out, viciously making her miserable right now? Where was the stupid but romantic notion of attempting to fight for it? Because she knew that’s how she is… she doesn’t go down without a last, valiant effort to make things work her way. Besides, she fought for her first love, why not with this one?
Countering herself she asked why? It’s just a waste of energy and effort because she knew she never saw herself with him for the next five years, much less forever.
Then she started laughing. Not the hysterical, crazy kind but the familiar good-natured ones. She doesn’t know why but she suddenly felt light-hearted. She made some theories too.
Could it be that she got hurt on that first love because she invested genuine emotions? She was pretty sure that back then, there was no question about it, she let go of the steering wheel, stepped on the gas pedal, and met the risk head on.
This time, however, she had her intuition telling her that everything would end on a shit pile. And it did. But instead of howling with anger and cursing the universe (which she absolutely had the right to), it felt more like everything was back to its natural order.
She knew that there’s something absolutely wrong with that. She should be crying by now. She really should. She should feel betrayed, but she didn’t.
So what happened the past couple of weeks? She suspected, but was afraid to confirm it before. That she was just after the feeling of being in-love. That she was still hung up on the high it gave her before. She just never had the courage to say it out loud, not even to herself, because she was afraid it would make her appear pathetic and desperate.
Then her own thoughts began to scare her. It was then when she scratched her head and said, “Oh bother with the drama, I’ll go to sleep.”
In the morning when no pain still came, it was then that she was sure.
She just made the biggest mistake of her life. She comforted herself by saying that everyone is entitled to at least one in their lifetime. But God, how she wants to turn back time.
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