Ruth is a full-time writer. Foodie. Happy camper. Wanders a lot. Used to have the worst taste in men. A reformed swipe-a-holic. Reviving her blog after its death.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Again, this entry is about you.
I have no idea whether you know about this site. Heck, I don’t even have a clue who among the people who happens by this blog knows that it’s you I’m talking about. But do you think I care?
I used to… but not anymore. That is what you do to me—you make me braver every day. You make me a little more dependent to you and a little less scared of losing control.
I’m trying to put my defenses down a little. I’m making myself susceptible to pain. Against my better judgment, I’m letting myself sink deeper.
But everything remains surreal to me. Like any day soon, we’ll both wake up and realize that this was a mistake and decide put a stop on things. But the thought that you’ll wake up alone and leave me in my dreamland scares me more.
Today, you made me cry. Immediately, I remember that once you told me that if you ever hurt me, I should tell you about it and you’d kill yourself. You hurt me today but I don’t want you to die.
You hurt me because you worry about my future. Because you want me to find someone who will love me more than you love me right now the moment this thing ends.
I’m being irrational, I know. But it hurts because right there and then, I realized that I don’t want somebody who would love me more. I just want you.
Does this mean I’m falling for you? I have no idea. For all the books I’ve read, for all the experiences of friends that I’ve heard, for all the things I say, everything seems to be different with you.
Today, I said something that I didn’t mean. I want to take it back, but a part of me doesn’t want to. That part tells me that I don’t need this bad roller coaster ride in my life anymore.
And yet, and yet, I still love you. I need you to tell me that I need a crazy thing like you in my life every once in a while.
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