Ruth is a full-time writer. Foodie. Happy camper. Wanders a lot. Used to have the worst taste in men. A reformed swipe-a-holic. Reviving her blog after its death.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Finding Happiness
If I would let Tere describe what I’ve been trough the past week, she’d probably say that the resiliency of my heart was tested.
I’ve been in love. It was a great one too, says my not-so-humble standard. I experienced all the clichés authors of love stories write about—I heard the bells ringing, the orchestra playing, and the presence of other people fading to oblivion until all I saw and heard was him.
It was love at first sight. It was my first love. I led myself to believe that it might have been my greatest love.
But it wasn’t. It was never meant to be. Some said it was doomed from the start. I was a fool living in the land of Happy Endings.
So needless to say, at the ripe old age of 23, I experienced my first heartbreak.
Nothing prepared me to getting my heart broken. But then again, what could ever prepare you for that? When I realized that it was the end for me, numbness spread all over my body. It was something not unlike getting your fingers cut into pieces but you’re too shocked to feel it.
When the emotional anesthesia wore out, I broke down. Tears of great quantity just kept pouring out. I wanted it to stop. I willed myself to stop it. But it just wouldn’t.
It felt like a something sharp was thrust into my heart and left a wide gaping hole in it. I had sinking feeling that there’s a possibility that it will never be whole again.
Killing myself was never an option, but I felt like my heart was doing a fine job of ending my life on its own. Doctors say nobody dies of a broken heart. But what do they know?
Why can’t their stethoscope diagnose it? The germ of death is there. It's there. Spreading like a cancer slowing down its palpitations until you feel like any minute now it’s gonna stop functioning altogether.
I found out what’s making me sad. It’s not just because my ego was trampled on. It was not just because my self-esteem was shredded into pieces. Heck, it was not even because I have never properly kissed him.
It was because I have loved and found happiness. How can I go on living knowing that such happiness, such bliss exists and I don’t have it? I’ve been cheated of something wonderful.
So now, it’s not about finding the perfect person anymore but finding that happiness again.
3 Comments:
The good thing about it is that no one or nothing can stop you from finding the happiness that your searching for.... it's a whole new search... a brand new start... many people would wish for a brand new start... in almost everything that doesn't seem fair in their lives.. :)
:( Hang tough, sis. Isipin mo na lang na mas may deserving sayo. :)
yes, look for that happiness, but never settle. you'll only end up with more heartache than necessary.
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