Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Unblogged and back again
I’ve been blogging every single day for the past two months before I sleep—in my head. When I’m not thinking about the things I want/need to write, I dream about me and my computer and me typing my thoughts away. I wake up promising myself to post it, that I will finally push the “publish” button in Blogger’s options.
But it’s just not happening. I could come up with a million excuses but it all boils down to one—I don’t have the time. I’m exactly where I want to be. I wanted to be so busy that I could almost forget how bored I really am.
***Summer class was hellishly hectic. I remember when one editor commented, “Summer classes? Where’s the fun in that?” And all I could reply was a shrug. Now, I know exactly what she meant.
I am promising myself this: No more summer classes for me, ever. I realized that what seemed to be plentiful (and idle) office hours before, are actually insufficient to cover all my assigned readings. So this was the part where I made THE Big Sacrifice.
On a school week, no movies, no late-night coffee outings, no social life. Instead, I had to read Charles Dickens’s “Hard Times” and write a 7-page paper about it. I had a very hard time with it. How can I be motivated by that book when every resource I read says that Dickens just finished the novel to get it over and done with.
The whole summer, I felt so inadequate. Like I have forgotten how it is to be a classroom-student. I remember back in college, I raise my hand and speak my mind. I have always been proud of the fact that my first year lit prof remembered my name when he became my humanities prof three semesters later.
I don’t have that courage now. I felt like a newly-hatched chick. Everything was so strange to me—the environment (like our classroom minus the cross), the whole system, the people, even the wide-open parking spaces.
***
1 Comments:
Ruuuthie! You're back. You know what, I was that type before. I always wanted myself to keep busy. I hated idle moments. The old reason was I hated to think of the advocacies for love and all those cheesiness. The new one was that, I felt I was not having the time of my life by keeping this job and so I had to go out every so often and book my weekends to explore other things. Now, I have learned to take it easy.
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