Ruth is a full-time writer. Foodie. Happy camper. Wanders a lot. Used to have the worst taste in men. A reformed swipe-a-holic. Reviving her blog after its death.
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Zha, Anna, and Nat brought a small tray of brownies when they stayed overnight at my house last Sunday.
Thanks guys, you don’t know how much I needed that chocolate overload.
***
I’ve been telling my friends that one of these days I’ll go to Tagaytay alone. For what? I don’t know… I just wanted a time out. Do spur-of-a-moment thing.
And like I told Gabby, I just wanted to know if the air there is better and less constrictive than what I was taking. Because for the first time in my life, I finally knew what depression really meant. And I didn’t like it at all.
It was terrible. A simple reminder could bring me to tears. All I wanted to do was to sleep (granted, I do like sleeping) to forget everything. Nothing seemed important.
I thought depression would be exquisite. Instead, it’s just a big, black hole. It’s like my brain just switched off and turned into mush.
I don’t think I could ever talk it out of my system because I found out that, I prefer not to bother anyone with it. But I do want to see the world suffer. Like I’ve been thinking of how many people I know got pregnant before graduation and stuff like that.
It was a bad case of I-hate-the-world and the-world-hates-me. But strangely, I couldn’t pin the blame and my hatred on a specific person or event.
I just felt (and feel) l.o.n.e.l.y. Hopeless.
I want my old Mary Sunshine self back. I know now that it may lack depth of character but at least, it gets things done.
***
All of my friends answered a firm “no”, when I told them what I wanted to do. Some even tried scaring me away by telling me that there are plenty of creepy entities up there.
But yesterday, somebody finally said “yes”, which boosted my confidence.
Although at the same time, I felt absurd. I wanted to do something impulsive and I had to ask for my friends’ approval. Silly, right?
***
As the entrance to our village came into my view, I was so tempted to chuck all my plans and just go home…
I remember telling myself that if I don’t do it NOW, I’ll never be able to do it. Ever. So I went on…
When I reached Silang, Cavite, I said that, “Okay, I’ve proved my point. I could stop right there and turn my back. I’ve proven that I’m crazy enough to get through this and I could just text my friends and tell them that I did it and no one will know any different.”
But I thought I don’t want to be a liar as well as a bore. So I went on…
Once, I made a 360-degree turn when I thought I heard someone calling my name from the passenger’s seat. I looked around me and everything beyond the road was pitch black. And all the trees that looked oh-so lovely during the day, looked so menacing at night.
My celphone battery went dead on me.
I regret watching all those Japanese flicks. I regret hearing all those ghost stories related to driving cars. I remember asking myself what will I do if I saw a lady following me. Or if I glance at the rearview mirror and a couple of deteriorating faces looked back.
It didn’t helped when Pam’s words about Tagaytay having lots and lotsa ghosts kicked in.
But I turned around and went on, because I decided to closely tail the car in front of me.
And I promised to myself, I would not dent my car in any way if ever a phantom suddenly appeared. Not unless, I kill myself in the process.
That was how I reached Tagaytay an hour later after I passed our village.
***
I was thinking I should buy something before I head home. Jollibee? Am not sure if they’re still open. Besides, I just had my dinner.
I saw a 711 shop. Hmmm… Vanilla Coke.
***
The drive home was easier. More fun. Mission Accomplished.
***
Just in case some of you are wondering, the air there has no significant difference from Manila air.
***
Decided I couldn’t go into pieces every time an asshole chooses to hurt me. Must learn to fight back.
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