Thursday, February 05, 2009
Written on Feb 2, 2009 for Feb 1, 2009
My daisies of every color
Here's TWO usPat took me to lunch at T House in Tagaytay for our second anniversary. He bought me daisies of every color from a flower vendor by the roadside and we shared a bottle of cocktail wine. We were both in a very good mood, both proud of our two years together. He hugged me real tight and told me, "If for one reason or another we don't end up together, find good man." Then the most silliest thing happened--we both cried.
I think he told me that because the past few months, I've replaced "whens" with "ifs." IF we get married and have children instead of WHEN we have them. It did not help, of course, that whenever I ask about plans for the future he just clams up and act as if I'm pressuring him (which I, admittedly, was).
It's a classic women-matures-earlier-than-men issue. I was already mentally decorating the master's bedroom of our future home while he has not even considered a wedding date, much less a proposal date. I'm worried about my ticking fertility clock, he's worried about not having enough money to raise a family.
Also, I suppose the petty fights have finally gotten to me. After the one fight that we recently had, I told him I was on the verge of letting him go. And I was. I was suddenly tired of disappointments and fear that expectations could possibly not be met.
Even after we've made up and returned to our usual almost-perfect state of companionship, I've stopped daydreaming about smiling, healthy babies that suspiciously bear resemblance to him. I've started thinking about what I wanted to for my life without considering his part in it.
"If for one reason or another we don't end up together..."I am guilty of thinking of such possibility. Friends' stories and my own have made me jaded. Nothing is final until you've signed a contract in a white (designer) dress to seal the deal.
But when he said them out loud and so unexpectedly, it was like a splash of cold water--unbearable, just unbearable. I felt my heart breaking and I could hear them crashing.
I also felt something else besides my own heartbreak--his own. He wanted me in his future, but if he couldn't have me, he wanted me to have someone who would take care of me and make me happy.
In some twisted sense, it is one of the most selfless things he could ever tell me.
Amidst all that tears came clarity--I have my good man.
He's been with me when I was being childish. He stayed up late for me when I wanted to play a game of futsal or woke up early because I wanted him to watch me while I play badminton. He watched over me when I was sick. He drives me around even when his feet are aching. He makes me smile when I'm mad. He makes my knees weak when he serenades me.
He can be annoying at times, but he knows when to apologize.
I am happy, truly happy. With him.
After two years, after all our hormones have finally stabilized, I still get goosebumps when he sings "Something" for me. When I look at him I think about how beautiful he is and no man is as handsome as him.
Two years. The honeymoon stage is over. I expect things to be more tumultuous from this point onwards. Isn't it wonderful?
Labels: anniversary, T House, tagaytay
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