Ruth is a full-time writer. Foodie. Happy camper. Wanders a lot. Used to have the worst taste in men. A reformed swipe-a-holic. Reviving her blog after its death.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
To the friend who love me too much,
When I finished reading it, I did not cry at all. How could I dare shed a tear when I felt you reaching out for me, trying to save me from drowning? I would be shaming myself if I start crying.
I know that mine is not the only heart broken as we speak. Yet, I still feel like the emotion’s mine entirely. And God, there is no pain like it.
Don’t worry, I will trust again. I’ve already decided long ago that I will not change who I am just because other people turned out the way they are. I believe that there are good people out there and you and I are the living proofs of that.
It’s just that his deceptions had caught me by surprise. I had been so naïve to trust him completely. His words were the gospel to me.
I was stupid and gullible, yes. But how can you blame me? I loved him first as my friend. In my universe, friends don’t mistreat friends. Look at us. I really thought that as friends, the last thing that he’ll do is deliberately hurt me.
I thought he, at least, owed me his honesty. I knew that what we had was not something for forever, but I thought he’d at least keep it real. The saddest thing about this whole mess was that his lies were needless.
He used love as a weapon. I may be strong but I am powerless against that. Again in my universe, when people say “I love you” they mean it. When you tell them that you don’t think it’s true and they keep insisting on it, then they must really, really mean it.
It’s not easy accepting that I was taken for a ride. But it was harder for me to accept that I was aware of how he took me for a ride and didn’t do anything about it. I kept on giving him chances mainly because I thought he knew what friendship meant to me. I thought he knew that I’m so used to many good friends who take care and protect me. That they ask nothing from me in return except my loyalty and belief in them.
Unfortunately, my love for him got into his head. He thought that because I love him, he could disrespect me anytime he wants. That anytime he calls I’ll be there. That I could always turn a blind eye to his failings and inadequacy.
I was already weary from making excuses for him when he made a fool out of me in front of so many people. For me, that was more than a slap in the face. It was a betrayal of friendship. That hurt more.
I valued that friendship. I watched it grow. I nurtured it with so much care. I invested myself into it. For him to step on it and disregard it devastated my world.
It made me question if giving too much was wrong. It made me want to check if any of my friends right now are anything like him. I hope none of them are. I hope that his kind is the last one in my bubble. I can wish, can’t I?
But then again, I don’t put all the blame to him. I fed his ego the wrong way. He always had it easy with me. I did not make any demands. I asked for this.
I wanted the extremes. I wanted the highest of high and the lowest of low. I got it.
But you know why I can’t just move on that easily? Because I discovered too late risking our friendship was not worth it. Everything happened so fast that I’m still reeling from the effects of it.
I’m still asking myself what happened? How can he change from the sweet, wonderful guy I loved to the stranger who told me nothing but lies? His betrayal was tangible too. There was one night when the thought of him made bile rose from my stomach to my mouth that I couldn’t help but throw up.
I can’t even ask him to help me find closure because he has no guts to talk me through it. I think that’s asking too much from him. That’s why I need to be the drama queen. That’s why I need to bash men who think with their dicks and who don’t respect women. I’m glad you’re there to see me through it.
I’m learning. I’m taking everything in. I’m taking note of each exquisite pain. So next time, I’m not going to be as gullible. Letting go is a strange thing. It’s unbearable one moment and liberating the next.
I believe that I’m lucky because the luckiest women on earth are the ones who have narrowly escaped spineless son of bitches like him.
Don’t worry too much. In time, I will be repaired and be put together again. I’m going to be whole again. But I don’t want the part that’s been chipped off me back. I’ll replace it with something new, something that’s worth more. Like your loving.
1 Comments:
Don’t worry too much. In time, I will be repaired and be put together again. I’m going to be whole again. But I don’t want the part that’s been chipped off me back. I’ll replace it with something new, something that’s worth more. Like your loving.
beautiful, ruthie. :)
i know, in no time, you'll be in happy happy joy joy mode again. we're always here for you. mwah!
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