Sunday, August 29, 2004
"Ruth, what happened to you? Has your company sucked all the creativity in you?"-- Nat posing me this question after I told him that I stopped taking photographs for pleasure a long time ago.
Even I want to know the answer to that. Thinking about what I’ve become the past year makes me want to ram my head to a wall. Just to juggle it for a little bit because I’ve lost my dreams. I have no goals. I have no visions to speak of.
At the ripe old age of 22 I became contented with my life. I’m in a safe zone where everything’s peachy from this side of the fence. I want to take more risks, more challenges.
And I want to take photos again.
***
I’m in a stage reminiscent of my adolescent years. You know, the period of self-loathing, insecurities and awkwardness.
I think I talk too much. And if I listen to myself for a long time, I get irritated. Most of the time, all I say are nonsense. I don’t even want to listen to me.
I wish I could stop being so self-absorbed. Then maybe I would have more insight of what’s going on.
I am depressed for no reason. God, if this PMS, I would just like to let you know that my hormones are doing a great job wrecking my life.
***
Watched my first dose of Radioactive Sago last Friday with some officemates. They were awesome! Never thought I would enjoy them that much. My favorite song would have to be Lourd’s version of Pete Lacaba’s poem “Lahat ng di ko dapat matutunan, natutunan ko sa For Adult Movie” or something like that.
Grabe, tagos sa laman bawat malulutong na “puta” na sinabi niya. Kung nakakain lang ang mga salita, baka binakaw ko na lahat ng sinabi niya sa kantang yun. Ang sarap-sarap namnamin.
***
Something for posterity.
“Si Ruth gumanda at pumayat nung nawala. This is a conspiracy,” Saturday Boss said.
“Ibig sabihin?,” asked by another desk editor.
“Di talaga sha naaksidente. Nagpaplastic surgery sha kaya matagal shang nawala.” SB replied.
No, I did not dream about this. Yes, I could produce a witness. Yes again, I am so
kinikilig!**
**unpublished entry Aug. 7, 2004
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